Okay. I’ve been lost in an interrupted silence with my thoughts a while. It could’ve been minutes, or maybe only seconds. But a lot happened in between my two human-shaped ears. So many conspiracies swirling, so many premonitions gnawing on my brain bark. Let’s release it all on the page.

I’m not entirely sure why I even selected movie. It may have been because its title brought back nostalgic memories of Tenacious D - Pick of Destiny and Bill & Ted’s Excellent adventure. Two movies where the visual effects were far less important than Seth Rogan-esque laughs that each joke brought. So my funny bone was primed for something in that ball park.

In reality, this movie couldn’t be further from their nineties and naughties cousins. With cinematography that would rival any mega-buck production and a very conscious departure from choppy editing and perfectly timed beats, I’m starting to grow fond of the forrest way of living.

Sasquatch Sunset is appearing to be a much more rich movie than I gave it credit for. Sure, the second scene shows two Sasquatch’s fucking in the open as the other two watch with little to no expression, but there’s more to it than that.

Have you ever wondered what these creatures of legend do when their blurry images aren’t being captured on the lowest resolution cameras in existence? I hadn’t, but now I can’t stop. For an animal that has been depicted as a solo traveller, the decision to tell the story of a four squatch cohort searching for more of their kind makes perfect sense to kick your bias out of gear. 

Ten minutes into writing this, maybe 12 after stopping the film and I think it’s all starting to take shape in my head. The characters are slow, joyful and content with the maintenance of existence. Maybe that’s how we should be. I never thought I’d aspire so heavily to be a Sasquatch, but here I am. I was able to get past the unsettling feeling that the costumes and makeup gave me (which are actually very impressive) in the first hairy handful of minutes which let me dive right into the guts of it all - that joke makes sense about a third of the way through the movie, trust me.

If I had to take a guess for the next half, without giving too much away for all of you who haven’t seen the first, I think we’re about to encounter some interference. A few audio tricks and subtle details are bringing me back to PC dear hunting games. Will Joe Rogan and his steroid-fuelled elk hunting skills appear as a cameo? I hope not. But as this point, who knows. I recommend you watch Sasquatch Sunset. If for no other reason than to experience something entirely different from more true crime docos or another movie about a superhero saving the planet just in time. Immerse yourself in something entirely unique. And while everyone is looking for the mythical Sasquatch, maybe you will find yourself.

Alrighty, alarm has gone off. All too abruptly I might add. I didn’t realise that my phone alarm doesn’t play through my AirPods. It instead bellowed through the twelve-person London hostel room I’m calling home for the night. Apologies fellow cheapskates, but a Halfway Through Review waits for no room, no matter how many of you were asleep.

52mins in, and I’m more attached to this film than I expected to be. Maybe it’s to do with the small handful of story speed bumps that recently arose. Or maybe it’s because the whole thing started with a voice over telling me to ‘believe in the character’s stories with complete devotion’. I’m all for a unique opening in a warehouse, but did this movie just tell me how to watch a movie? Anyhoo, let’s dive in.

The basic premise of The Wonder is formed around a young girl who has somehow survived without eating for four months. Feels like a religious cult ritual thing, right? But maybe that’s the Midsommar Florence Pugh talking, not the English nurse in 1862 Ireland Florence Pugh. Erghh that cliff jumping scene will someone how never leave my mind. He was already dead!

Her performance as a sceptical observer holds this film together. Just as I’ve been reluctant rest on this hostel pillow, she’s fought the urge to believe anything she has been told. Yet her character meanders across the line of trust towards the other characters like a drunken backpacker down the level four hallway. Her fight for the truth is noble, but it’s clear even she has struggles with holding on to her version of reality. She might be living in a different time, country and situation to me, but I can relate to her tussles more than I care to admit.

The little girl’s final meal was nothing more than wheat and water, apparently the body and blood of Christ on her birthday. Again with the religion/cult vibes. Maybe it was Wonder bread…terrible 1am joke. But if you’re going to have anything for your last night, c’mon make it better than that. Her tooth just fell out too. Like a big old adult tooth, so I’m interested to see if she turns into a gummy.

I feel a bit in the dark to make a well educated prediction on what the second half of this film will bring, but here goes.

Florence Pugh’s nurse character will become the mother figure of this little girl. She lost her baby at a young age, so there’s a simple story arch for the girl to fit into. The whole thing is scam, but I’m not quite sure why, it’s not like they can get on the local TV 6pm news. To look cool in front of their cult friends? Sounds like they tried it for the brother, but he kicked the empty bucket a few years back so they needed new tactic. So it must be the nun…it’s always the nun. A nurse is brought into legitimise the whole thing and no one will suspect gentle sister Margaret ( I actually forgot her name) feeding the girl big old roast dinner hidden in her gowns. The parents are fucking monsters - that doesn’t feel like a stretch to predict. And old mate from the newspaper will throw many a spanner into this otherwise well-directed story. It’s a love story side-quest for him, but man it feels unnecessary, and unwanted at this point. The love should be pointed in the direction of a good meal, not an emotionally unavailable journalist.

Now travellers, back to the film. Volume up.

Buckle up your Bollywood belts my movie-loving friends, you’re about embark on the journey of many, many lifetimes. If you’re like me, a newcomer to the Indian genre cocktail that is Bollywood, your eyes, ears and flared nostrils have no idea what they’re in for. RRR (Rise. Roar. Revolt) is over three hours of cinematic insanity. And as I reach the half way through point, I’m fucking loving it.

Like a baby opening their eyes for the first time, the world that RRR thrusts upon you is completely overwhelming. Although set in British colonised India in the 1920’s - a very real place and time - the rules of the regular world are thrown out the window. Physics-bending VFXs take their spot in the driver’s seat and don’t show any sign of giving way to pedestrians.

At nine minutes in, we’re introduced to one of the main characters. God he’s a handsome devil. Perfect hair. Piercing eyes. A brush moustache that will wipe your self esteem into the nearest sewerage drain. Anyhoo, instead of establishing his superior skills and strength with a small street scuffle or push up competition, he fights off thousands of angry protestors to arrest one man. Think of a single ant shaping up the rest of the colony. Then give him a baton for a touch of hope, the ability to double jump over 12ft tall fences, a wicked soundtrack and bam - you’ve got yourself a scene for the ages.

To keep things fair and balanced, like any good movie, the other leading lunatic fights off a fucking tiger as his opening act. Being the dummy I am, I expected him to die several times, but these filmmakers don’t let life-threatening injuries get in the way of a good back story.

Once I realised that anything (literally anything) is possible in RRR, this masterpiece grabbed me by my tiger-ravaged balls. I let my mind accept the musical numbers that felt completely unaware of the story around them. I even felt warm and fuzzy during a best friend montage that honestly felt like different movie all together. And when ten-ish animals jumped out of cages in unison into a fancy British garden party, I soaked every frame of VFX brilliance into my eye sponges.

At half way through, I don’t know what else they could throw at me. My predictions are based solely on a need for this intensity to increase. More explosions, bigger tigers, force fields, time travel, super powers, anything! I want it all.

Thankfully, I’ve got an hour and a half of this epic to go. Consider my Bollywood belt buckled.

I have no prior knowledge of this movie; I am going in blind. All I can assume is that we will see some blood, death, reminiscing chats about love and loss and most importantly, lots of vampire sex.

Ok opening scene is Tilda Swinton laying and listening to a rock version of “Funnel of love”. We are on everyone!

Sighted: Sexy man with long hair and pale skin and husky voice, must be a vampire.

Tilda is walking at night down a dark alley way by herself and men are heckling her. Imagine being able to walk confidently as a woman knowing that you could destroy the shit out of them.

HOLY FUCK. FUCK. Guys. Tom something-a-rather- is the sexy vampire. Tom… Holland? No. HIDDLESON. Had to cheat and use google.

Ok! Back to the movie with sexy people everywhere!

Side note: Do you ever wonder who created vampires? Like who decided that vampires can’t go in the sun? Do we think it stemmed from a real-life story of someone who had a biting fetish and it went too far?

K it’s night-time and there is a montage of all the different vampires taking a sip of blood from a tiny little vile. I must know where I can get one from, so small and cute. The blood seems to be ethically sourced (no human deaths yet), just donor blood bags. Snoring.

I feel like vampires are smarter than most. I want to watch a movie with a dumb vampire who has no knowledge of the world and lives to simply experience pleasure.

Very grungy so far. No plot just yet. Tilda and tom were just on the phone and said, “I love you”. Maybe when they re-unite, they will wreak havoc together.

Omg. There’s a zombie in this movie but he has no zombie defining features.

Ok finally. There is making out. No murders though but I’ll take what I can get. So, it’s established – Tilda and Tom are lovers. Tom said, “My lady” and I tingled.

Fucking hell Tilda just mentioned zombies again. Where are they???? Why is no one eating humans?

So much reminiscing, no action.

Update: They are eating bloody icy poles.

Tilda has discovered a bullet in Toms gun (I don’t know their vampire names and I feel like it doesn’t matter at this point). Tilda has sniffed the bullet and knows something suss is up. The previous scene we saw Tom dressed as a doctor (not in a sexy way (sad face)) to illegally buy some blood bags off a dodgy doctor.

Tom is hiding something, unclear as to what it is. My prediction is that it is dark, and he wants to keep Tilda out of the loop to protect her. I feel like she will somehow get involved and this will risk her precious vampire life. Tom will spiral into darkness after she dies. Hoping we see a revenge scene to spice this movie the fuck up.

I still haven’t seen anyone get murdered and we are an hour in.

I also am still confused about the several mention of zombies, yet no zombie behaviour has appeared on screen.

Majority of the movie has been spent on Tilds and Tom reminiscing about the past.

I don’t have much hope for this movie, but I love vampires, so I’ll keep watching.

I’ll be honest, I chose this movie based on it’s title alone. It made me hungry… the peanut butter bit of course. Not the falcon bit. But I’m half way through and still have no idea what either of those two things mean. Thankfully I’m not hungry anymore, I made some peanut butter toast… fitting I know.

The Netlfix blurb set me up to expect a fluffy feel good film. Not really what I’m into, but a decision is a decision. A guy with down syndrome guy meets a red neck and they bring out the best in each other. I feel like I’ve seen that movie in 15 different forms before. But something about this feels sweeter than that. Truer. More aware of why these two characters have been thrust into a 95ish minute movie together. At 48mins, I’ve seen great escapes, cheesy pickup lines and near death experiences. I want to be on this adventure with them. It’s seems terrifyingly fun, even though they’re both running for the lives in their own ways.

Although I love the characters - Shai Lebouf fits in as a crab pot stealing, smooth talking, sweat fest perfectly - this film isn’t immune to the expected, inauthentic scenes as the other movies I mentioned earlier. There’s a friendship montage, just like Up. No floating house yet. But hey, I guess they had to make these two guys BFFs before they went too far into gator country together.

They literally just met an armed blind guy after trying to steal his boat. Somehow he had better aim than almost every anonymous bad guy in every James Bond movie - he only missed by a whisker. Stopping on this scene felt really awkward, especially because I think he’s about to baptise them. More on that later I suppose.

I’m hoping the second half of this movie works as hard to stay clear of cliche as the first. I know they’ll become the very best of friends and live happily ever after as changed individuals after learning from each other. But I want a slap in the storyline’s face before it get’s to that. Give me a something I didn’t expect, like Zak trying to bodyslam Tyler once he gets the wrestling camp… or something weirder.

I have high hopes Peanut. Don’t let me down.

I was about to introduce this film as Pet Cemetery and then I realised it’s sematary? Do we have an answer for this? Or have I been spelling cemetery wrong by whole life?

YEEHARR! IT’S A STEPHEN KING FILM. LET’S GO.

I just want to say before starting this, I love 80s horror. There’s something so comforting about them. The mediocre special effects, the unrealistic colour of blood, the not-so-crisp audio. I love it. It makes me tingle.

We open with an all-American family. Dad, mum, young daughter, and a toddler. The young girl has a pet cat called Winston Churchill. Church, for short. Brilliant. Time do be ticking for Church (I know this because of the dead giveaway in the title of this movie).

The family has moved to this random area for the husband’s job (doctor). The house is situated right next to a long road that is used for trucks to bypass through. Why you would move your young kids into a home right near this road is a mystery itself. Begging for danger. Gagging for it even.

This BCG (big creepy giant) neighbour befriends the family and shows them the pet cemetery at the end of the road. Due to the number of trucks that hit the pets, they have a whole space dedicated to dead animals. Cool and normal things.

Ok we finally have an answer for the misspelling of CEMETARY. The wife acknowledged it when she saw the sign (thanks wifey!). We can only assume that kids painted the sign and created this eerie cemetery. Now that I know that kids did it, it makes the word sematary become ten times cooler and I might even consider using it in the future.

The family has a nanny. The nanny has a hunched back. In horror land this means, the nanny is a THREAT.

Doctor dad starts to see a ghost/zombieish version of his dead patient that surprise surprise, died from getting hit from a truck. This is giving me strong American Werewolf (1981) vibes.

Aye yi yi. I swear every horror movie house has a basement. The golden rule is to never go down to the basement, yet every man and his pet dog seem to.

As predicted by anyone that has two brain cells, the family cat has been hit by a truck. Rip Church. They (doctor dad and tall BCG neighbour) are burying the cat at this disturbing burial ground with a satanic rock symbol laying on top of the soil.

Prediction: Doctor dad will bury the cat and the cat will somehow come back from the dead.

HELLA TO THE FUCKIN YEAH. The cat has made a comeback. BFC is in on it and tells the doctor dad that the land is sacred, and every dead animal buried there somehow magically comes back to life. But it comes at a cost, resurrected animal = evil.

Doctor dad asks BFC neighbour man if he has every buried a human body there. BFC man GASPS and drops his drink, “Christ on his throne no” he says, “Whoever would?”. I think doctor dad would tbh. In fact, I think doctor dad WILL.

Oh. Odd. Hunchback nanny has taken her own life. Will doctor dad rebirth her in the satanic soil? To be confirmed.

Every truck that passes on the road is red, which we know that in colour theory world this means danger is coming.

Bro. The toddler just ran on the road and got hit by a truck. Dead.

Annnnnnd that’s where we hit halfway through.

My guess is that doctor dad will bury his toddler in the satanic burial grounds and the toddler will resurrect. If I could speak through the TV screen to doctor dad, I would advise him not to do this, toddlers are scary enough. But also, what’s going to happen to recently dead hunchback nanny? Havoc and chaos are coming.

This movie is fully sick, and I will be watching this rest now. CYA.

Alright, let me set the scene…this isn’t like our usual Halfway Through Reviews.

I’m in a cinema. Like a real-life movie theatre. Stained red-ish seats, syrupy coke and a guy that waited for the movie to start to open the loudest packet of Pods known to man.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t convince the theatre to pause the movie for me to write this. So as I sit next to my brother with my phone brightness on the lowest setting, I’m attempting to seperate my eyes movement like a chameleon to watch the screen and type in my notes app at the same time. Let’s see how this goes.

First of all, this is absolutely a movie you want to watch in the cinema. If the jet engines aren’t pulsing through your chest-icles in 5.1 Dolby surround sound, you’re doing your body a disservice. And if it wasn’t for my phone alarm telling me we were halfway through this thing, I would’ve completely forgot to write anything. I’m unsurprisingly hooked. The only thing missing from this experience is a five-point fighter pilot seatbelt attached to my cinema seat. I say that because every shot inside the cockpit of these planes makes it feel like you’re pushing yourself past your G-force limit. I keep holding my breath. I’ve got no idea if anyone else in here are doing the same thing, but I need to lay down.

Now, Tom Cruise. If I’m completely honest, I’ve never really been part of the Cruise Crew. I grew up only ever seeing him as the weird Scientology guy, never the incredible 5-foot-nothing actor. But holy shit, what a man. Besides the cheesy dialogue that’s better fit for an inspirational quote poster, Tom is really putting on a show. I also just love the fact that he hasn’t seen this Penny character in decades and then somehow wins her back without even really saying anything. Now that’s a talent I need to learn. At the halfway point, I’ve just watched them have a slow motion sex scene…if you could call it that. PG at best, what a tease.

Aside from my strong desire to match Mr Cruise’s pickup game, I’m now contemplating signing up to be a fighter pilot. It’s probably the sympathetic G-force talking, but I feel like I need some life threatening arial stunts in my life. For starters, it’s the only profession where you could pull off wearing aviator sunglasses. Although that’s never been an appealing fashion choice for me, a bit of ‘hooorraahhhh’ in the morning can’t be a bad thing, right? I think this movie is really just a $170mil (USD) piece of propaganda to entice even more accolade-thirsty recruits from the American public. It’s starting to work on me, so I guess it’s money well spent.

Like all movies of this patriotic nature, America always wins. So my prediction for the second half isn’t much of an educated guess. Instead, it’s more like the script in massive sky writing letters for all to see. Tom will probably lead the squad to victory over the Russians (even thought they’ve never actually said the enemy is Russian…but we all know), some hero will probably die ( 50 bucks on Goose’s son) and Penny will help them celebrate in that bar she owns in the middle of nowhere.

As cynical as I sound about the obvious storyline, I’m here for it. Every god dam American second of it.

Now someone take out that guy with the packet of Pods. I’m trying to write a review here.

This movie pays the price for Twilight's sins.

Watching this in a post Edward vs Jake world, you really feel the fatigue of a decade or so of horny vamps, and although 'Interview w/ Sad-Boi-with-fangs' didn't invent the the sexy-blood-sucker sub-genre, you do see how it would have made bigger waves in 1994. What must have been a pretty steamy 2hrs cinema packing flick back then, feels more like a like a TV movie in the hard light of 2022.

So far, I have been impressed with the set designs, costuming and the amazing rat talent. (maybe they hired Zardulu?)

My main question is: are these victims feeling pain, pleasure or both? I think I need to wait for the 4D experience to know the answer to this.

*Note: I've been watching this movie with very low volume + sub-titles in an effort to not wake my daughter. This may effect the score.